someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
