he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
