If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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