just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
