i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
