if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
she looked like the before picture.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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