please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
