Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
