when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
