she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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