On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
