omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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