mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
