at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
