It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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