The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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