You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
