apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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