I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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