More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
