I saw his package. It spoke to me.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
