i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
