Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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