I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
