the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
