i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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