mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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