Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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