its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
