i think my tv is drunk
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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