so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
