i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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