My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
