Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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