Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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