last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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