we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Randomize
