Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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