What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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