Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
