do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
