mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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