sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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