Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize