you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
