you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
