I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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