ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
