nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
