He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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