My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
