Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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