Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Found your dick twin last night
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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