you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
