If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
