I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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