I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
