and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
