My underwear smells like fireworks.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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