Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
