Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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