How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
