How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
